Question:
Hi guys!
First of all, you guys are doing such a great job with RxPRN...I'm sure many ppl appreciate it!
Im an Rx2020...i got out of a relationship last summer...it meant alot to me and I really thought that it would end in something long term. We were so compatible...he said so too! He said at multiple occasions that we were going to make it till the end. I met his best friends, talked to his parents, we helped each other through school and through some tough months. But then he broke it off last July. I am someone who finds rejection really hard to handle.... especially when I know it wasn't my fault or that I don't lack anything. He admitted that "he messed up" and didn't feel the same way anymore and all that. But I still feel like we could have still made it work...I am also someone who likes to give my 100% to something and not give up, and it hurts when someone gives up on me. Anyway, the point is .... It's been a year and I'm not touch with this guy at all...but I still can't stop thinking about him and about how I could've maybe done things differently to make it work. It's really taking a toll on my focus. I'm doing fine in school, but there are periods where I completely lack motivation and do nothing but think about the times that I used to talk to him/look over old conversations. I've talked to other guys since then too, but nothing really compares to what I had with him...I know it's not fair to compare. But I just don't know what to do....I have days where I believe I'm over it and feel super motivated and then other days, I cry so much and don't want to get out of bed. :( Really just looking for advice on how to move forward and not let it affect my studying/focus.
Response 1: Putting your 100% into that relationship is what made it special. You don’t have to forget about the relationship or that it made you happy. It would just be better if you weren’t focusing on the past anymore. I’m glad you know the breakup isn’t your fault, because sometimes that’s the hardest part to wrap your head around. In times when you’re not feeling motivated for school, take a little bit of time for yourself. You don’t have to write-off the whole day but going for a walk, meditating to a video, enjoying a few chapters of a book or eating something yummy, whatever makes you happy, is a good distracting break. (I find distraction is the best for my sad days, no matter the reason.) If you’re up to it, try making a list of good/happy things that you’re thankful for or that happened that day--focus on the present--sometimes it helps to appreciate a good day/thing when you’re feeling like there isn’t anything to be happy about. And reach out to your friends (or us!); doing stuff together is easier to make yourself actually do it and I’m sure they’d be happy to support you. Lastly, you can’t help but compare to past experiences so don’t be upset with yourself. However, in any new relationship just go in with an open mind. This new person might like the same foods or not be as in touch with their emotions as what you’re used to, but try to recognize that it’s just your experience. When you’re ready, delete the old conversations so you aren’t tempted to look over them--holding onto them means you’re holding onto the past. Focusing on you and what you need should come first. Feeling comfortable and happy with your current self in your current circumstances should be your first goal!
Response 2: Hi there! I’m sorry to hear that your break up is still impacting you to this day. I think one thing that usually helps me move on from break ups is to sadly, accept that it has already ended and that there’s not much you can do about it but to move forward. Rejection is always the hardest to handle, especially when you truly believed that the relationship was going to work out. As you said, you put 100% in the relationship, and you have tried your best. And sure, looking back you might nitpick some small odd things that you might have done differently to fix the relationship, but at the time, I’m sure you gave it your all given the circumstances and your capabilities. No one’s perfect and we’re all bound to make mistakes from time to time.
Every relationship in itself is unique. Think of the relationships you hold with your friends: I’m sure they’re all special and different in their own ways. While it’s great to reflect on your past relationship and pinpoint things that made it great, it’s also important to remember that it’s hard to expect the same from the other relationships around you.
I personally believe that patience is so important when going through a break up. The relationship meant a lot to you, and it’s natural for it to still hurt. Remember when the break up first happened? I’m sure it was much worse then. Look at how far you’ve come! It’s only human for it to hurt so much. One of my relationships honestly took me a while to get over it. What helped was talking to others about it (whether this was a counsellor or with friends). Writing down a list of what was great and not-so-great also helped me realize that I was focusing on all the positives, and neglecting the negative aspects. I agree with the post above about practising mindfulness; whenever you catch yourself lost in the past, re-ground / remind yourself that you are here now and that there are still many things to be grateful of.
Break-ups are hard and I’m sorry you have to go through all this on top of pharmacy school (which in itself is pretty stressful). Please feel free to reach out to one of us if you’d like some one-on-one chats, or feel free to send us another question - whatever floats your boat and will help you most. Remember to be kind and patient to yourself, and remember that YOU always come first. I send you all the love and positive vibes in the world.