Question:
Lately, I've been feeling like I'm the ugliest, most unwanted person in my class. I talk and smile to everyone and I have a great group of friends but behind all that is someone who's so insecure and I don't want to talk about it to my family or friends. It's easier said than done to say "just don't let it bother you". And I can't just switch these insecurities off.
I'm losing confidence, because I'm 25 and everyone in my class seems to have the perfect life. I haven't had my first kiss, because I don't think anyone would want to. Everytime someone in class looks at me, I think they're judging me for being so unattractive. I know it's farfetched but I can't seem to get these feelings out of my head. How do you get rid of this mentality?
Response 1:
Hi there,
First, let me reinforce the great positives that you’ve mentioned: it seems to me like you have an amazing group of friends and family that you can openly (and proudly!) claim. Second, there is nothing wrong with having insecurities - we all do, even your fellow classmates who seem to have it all. It’s hard to gauge what someone’s personal life can really be like. It’s easy to believe that someone else “has the perfect life”, especially with social media like Instagram. I hope you can see how unrealistic it is to measure your own self worth and happiness by comparing it with what people are actually comfortable about portraying.
Instead, let’s focus on you - specifically, the things that are bothering you because of your insecurity about your physical appearance. I want you to know it’s okay to be older. You’re in a professional school, so in every class there’s bound to be older students mixed with students who got in earlier. But also remember that comparing usually doesn’t help. In the end it’s your life, and everyone will have their own path to follow after graduating. You won’t be comparing yourself against your classmates when you’re a pharmacist, so they can’t be a realistic measure of your own worth. I know, it may seem at times that they are judging you - but let’s consider that you could be projecting your insecurity. Give your peers the belief that they are genuinely good people just like yourself.
It’s also okay to not have had your first kiss. There’s no age limit as to when you find romance (you’re definitely not the first). It can also be difficult to pursue a romantic interest while you’re studying at school. Perhaps you thought about a partner within the class, but it’s a small group! There are great dating services like Coffee Meets Bagel. Too forward for you? Join clubs like Salsa dancing or Board games on main campus. And remember: great relationships can be born when you’re actually not actively looking. When you’re happy with yourself, it’ll be a great segway into being happy with someone else. It seems like you are a caring person with a great personality - now you need to be confident with yourself and let your personality shine through.
Response 2:
Hi there,
I am really glad that you reached out and posted about this. I think it’s important to recognize ongoing personal challenges. You’re right, you can’t just “switch these feelings off”. It will take time and a lot of personal work on your well-being. It probably won’t be a smooth ride either to rid yourself of these thoughts, but it will get better with work. My peer gave a lot of tips for the individual issues you have written about, but I hope to give a bit of a broader perspective. I don’t want to tell you things like “beauty standards are overrated,” or “your first kiss will come, just give it time”. However, I do hope you take some time to reflect on your strengths and where you find your confidence. You could do this alone or with the support of a counsellor. There is absolutely no shame in having a trained professional to talk with. They will be able to provide strategies or a point of view you may not have considered. My response isn’t a quick fix. I am sorry that I was not able to provide that, but I hope you can find value in my honesty. I just have one more thing to write...people who have insecurities are often really strong. I don’t know you, but you reaching out about this shows you have gut. Having insecurities is NOT synonymous with weakness.