Question:
My boyfriend has become a totally different person from when I met him. Once upon a time he was sweet, attentive, and laughed at my jokes. Now he is cold, doesn't understand the things that I find funny, and often says things that are easily misinterpreted, leading to endless arguments. Might be the stress from school and work but who knows.... How do I get my knight in shining armour back?
Response 1:
The thing I’ve found a lot with relationships is that sometimes they don’t keep pace with life. I’m sure we can all relate to, especially with co-op and the nature of our program, the fact that the only thing constant about life in general is that it’s constantly changing. Even personally speaking, I’ve found that a lot of the time my relationships have struggled or even ended, because they don’t adjust well to the changes that happen in the rest of my life.
Thinking back to these times and relationships that ended because I had to move back for co-op or leave for pharmacy school for instance, I feel that communication and directly addressing these types of issues, honestly and maturely, is critical to making it work. It takes a lot of work from both sides. It requires the maturity from both people to state openly how they’re feeling, and perhaps this is something that you might want to do with your boyfriend. It also requires both of you to be honest and to have reflected on what you want, as individuals, and together focusing on how you can both make it work. Having this kind of dialogue can at least show the both of you what’s not working and what you can do to make it work again.
Finally, and here’s the part that I’ve found can often be critical, what might be really important is just how committed the two individuals are to making it work. And the key there is that both people, not just one, have to be that way – there’s no relationship if you’re the only one putting forth the effort to try and make it work all the time. You have to be a team, and you both have to have decided that your relationship is worth the effort, stress and time. Pharmacy school can be a tough 4 years apart with so many changes that will happen for you during this journey, and I personally don’t know if relationships can survive so many changes without that commitment.
Talk to your boyfriend, and see where he’s at. Is he willing to work on your relationship? What do the two of you have to improve on? Where does he see you two heading? Asking these questions will at least help you understand his side of the story and his perspective a little better. Ask him what’s changed for him, and most importantly, be prepared to face the possibility that things may have changed for him in ways that you cannot control. And that’s okay - because at the end of the day, you do have to make yourself a priority as well and you can’t give someone time and effort when he or she doesn’t do the same for you. Have that talk and see where it goes – but above all, realize that whatever happens, you’ll adapt to the changes life brings, as you always have. I hope that helps and good luck :)
Response 2:
Being a pharmacy student is time consuming, stressful and can be taxing not only on yourself, but also on those around you. It is tough to say what has changed for your boyfriend and why his reactions to you have changed so drastically. It seems to me however, that there could be any of several possibilities:
1) The first could be what you are predicting - that the stress and busy schedule are taking a toll on you both and are causing you to drift apart. It seems that relationships that have a strong foundation, or those in which both parties are going through the same thing (e.g. 2 people in professional school are dating), are the ones that can weather these changes. It is up to you to decide what is most important to you and how to prioritize, and surely doing well in school, or maybe just passing, is a priority for you. It can sometimes be hard for partners and even close friends of the non-romantic nature, to fully comprehend this and understand what you are going through. It may be worthwhile to discuss the new dynamic with your boyfriend, to see what’s up. Strong relationships can handle bumps in the road, and can work when communication is involved, so see if he is willing to open up and work with you.
2) Is there something that your boyfriend may be going through right now, that is making him distant? Maybe he is dealing with something, but doesn’t have it in him to bring it up with you since he feels you are busy, and he doesn’t want to burden you? Sometimes in pharmacy school, it is hard to keep track of our loved one’s lives and to support them, so maybe in all the stress, you missed something? Much like in number 1, talk to him! See if he’s willing to open up!
3) The third possibility, is probably one that you do not want to hear/read. Could it be possible that your relationship is no longer what is used to be? And that your partner has realized that what you have isn’t what he wants? This is a tough thing to face, especially in such a stressful time, but maybe that is why he is being somewhat distant? It is possible that he has realized things about the relationship but in respect for your workload and what you are going through, he does not have the heart to bring it up. This is a toughie and whether it is something you want to face or not, is definitely up to you. All relationships are different so this could very well not be the reason for the change, but it is important to (eventually) talk to you boyfriend to see what is up!
However you decide to handle this issue, keep in mind that you have support out there. Tap into your friends for support, and don’t forget to prioritize and do things in a way that your school work doesn’t get neglected. And please do remember, it is not necessarily about “getting your knight in shining armour” back, but finding someone who is the right match for you. It seems like you feel strongly about your partner, so putting in the effort to have a chat with him seems more than worth it. Just make sure to incorporate yourself and your needs into the situation.