Question:
I'm dealing with a recent break-up and I'm having a lot of difficulty getting over it and it's distracting me a lot from schoolwork. What can I do to get over it?
Response 1:
Hello there! Recovering from a break-up is no easy process! It is both physically and emotionally exhausting. Remember that a break-up is a grieving process and that it will take some time. Exactly how much time? This varies from individual to individual and your life circumstances. The key is to be patient and to be kind to yourself. There is unfortunately no immediate solution. You will find that you have to go through this painful process of grieving to figure out what works for you. Everyone copes differently. What works for one person may not be helpful for you. This is your journey. I will share some helpful strategies that I found useful in my grieving process.
1. Build a support network! Reach out to your close friends and family. You might find that being vulnerable is especially difficult at a time like this but its important that you don’t close yourself off from the world. Spend time with your loved ones to remind yourself of all of the people that love and care for you!
2. Pick up a new hobby. What hobby you choose depends entirely on where your interests lie. You might have realized that you were dedicating so much of your time to your relationship that you forgot to take the time to discover yourself! Look at this breakup as an opportunity for self-discovery. I found going to the gym and sketching were two of the ways in which I could de-stress and forget about the pain. Exercising also helps to increase the production of dopamine.
3. Seek out professional help. I found that seeing a counsellor once every two weeks helped me a lot. It provided me with a safe outlet to vent. My counsellor was very understanding, non-judgemental and often provided me with logical solutions when I was thinking very emotionally. Also, when you’re grieving over a break-up you will often find yourself revisiting other painful experiences that you thought you were done grieving over. You may also find yourself turning to addictive behaviours to deal with the break up in the form of sex, drugs, and/or food. At times like these you may require some extra support so don’t be afraid to reach out. You can learn more about UW Counselling Services by contacting 519-888-4567 ext. 32655 or visitinghttps://uwaterloo.ca/counselling-services/; you can also contactrxprn@sophs.ca for more info.
4. Get involved with your community! Start volunteering or join a community group. I found that this was a great way to meet new people and remind yourself that there is a world out there!
5. Write down or record your thoughts and feelings. I found that seeing my thoughts or hearing them made them more real. It also helped me identify and focus on areas I needed to work on. I would often also bring these to my counselling sessions. My counsellor found them quite insightful and helpful. If I ever felt that I wanted to see my ex again I would write down how the scenario would play out and I would also write down how this would make me feel.
6. Consider cutting contact with your ex, at least for a little bit.. Yes I know that this is one of the hardest things to do but it can be very helpful in getting over your ex, initially. Often people want to try and stay friends with their ex, and depending on the situation, this can be very unhealthy and counterproductive. Cutting off contact may help you grieve the loss of that person and help you rebuild yourself. I’ll give you a medical analogy to illustrate this point: You have a cut that should heal in 2 weeks BUT if you keep cutting it, it will take longer. You have to cover up the wound and keep the dressing dry, only then it will heal in two weeks otherwise it could get infected and worsen! A few months down the road, you can see if you are in a place to have a healthy friendship with your ex. Who knows - you may realize that you don’t even want/need them in your life anymore.
7. Place things that remind you of your ex in a place that is not in your constant line of vision. That means any cards, photos, and gifts that person may have given you. This can be a painful process but it will also feel very liberating afterwards. See if you have the strength to either dispose of these items right away, or if you want to just put them aside until a later date when you are feeling stronger. In any case, putting these things aside will prevent you from walking down a very painful memory lane all too often.
8. Finally, just be patient and give it some time! Time is a great healer as cliche as that may sound.
Response 2:
“Breaking up is hard to do”, is definitely a song lyric that rings true for this question. There is no doubt about it, a break up is a tough thing to manage and can often be very distracting. The reason that breakups are so tough, can vary from person-to-person, and from relationship-to-relationship. On the most basic level, you are going from a very intimate relationship where you presumably talk to or see the person on a daily basis, to not having much contact with them at all. More specifically, the break-up may be plagued with guilt, hurt-feelings, jealousy or loss of a close friend. Dealing with a break-up is very personal and specific to who you are, but here are some helpful tips that have helped me or others I know:
1) Reach out to others - You may feel alone and maybe out of touch with your friends, but don’t be afraid to reach out to them. Many people have dealt with break-ups before, and understand how hard they can be. Tell your friends and family that you are having a hard time - chances are that they will understand and want to help you out of your slump! It may be busy because of school right now, but give yourself the right to take breaks and try and throw in some fun times. Ask friends to hang out with you to watch a movie, or to check out a new movie or even go for a walk in Victoria Park.
2) Throw yourself into your schoolwork - You mention that you are being distracted from your schoolwork. Make school a priority right now, and focus all your energy to getting back on track. Why are you getting distracted? Is it because you are still in touch with your ex and this is making you more and more distracted? Or maybe you are just thinking of him/her a lot, and you aren’t able to focus? Maybe you are just blue and need a hand to escape from the sad. Whatever it is, try and pinpoint exactly what is making you distracted. Then see what tactics you can take to “undistract” yourself. Write a list of ways to get you back on track towards your schoolwork - then when you are feeling distracted, use these tools to help refocus you. Much like in #1, ask friends to help you out with this. Maybe you can focus better if you are working with friends - and if so, ask them to help you out by studying with you. In any case, you have the power to get yourself into study mode - you just have to identify the problem, find a solution, and figure out how to put your plan in action.
3) Give yourself time - It takes time to heal from a break-up and it can often be a complex and convoluted process. Remind yourself that you will not always feel like this, and that you will not be sad/angry/upset/yearning any longer, but that you just have to get to that point. Those feelings will go away and you will feel more like yourself again.